I honestly think it is the transition from taking care of my mom to losing my mom. The shift of learning to live life without her physically here. I think this past few months now that she has been in hospice, has been a very thorough and valuable lesson in learning how to live life with out your loved ones. Especially your parent. I dealt with my dad fairly well I think. I miss him terribly but lately I get a self of calm when I look at a picture or think about him and I can only think that is because he is working on bringing my mom to him? If that makes sense? I am very spiritual but I am not very religious. My mom is very religious but no so much spiritual. But lately I have been reading Psalms to her, daily words from god and looking up scriptures for her and read them to her. And yeah, it has been therapeutic. Honestly, it has been good for me to read some of the bible, I grew up Lutheran my father came to us and he was catholic and so when I started practicing witchcraft…wicca, and learning from the earth… it all really did make sense to me. Not that I don’t agree with what the bible states, I just found my own beliefs to add to my spirituality. The past week, more so the past couple days have been incredibly hard. My mom is dying. And it hurts so deep inside that I am pretty sure that piece will always be missing and hurt. I know I will move on and get through because she will be looking over me. I know this in my heart, but not having her physically here is going to be difficult to adjust. She has been a huge part of my life for my WHOLE life but more so as an adult. Damn!!! that woman taught me so much. As we enter this shift now, I can feel the ache in my gut, I cry a lot more especially when I look at a picture of my mom and oh my damned, when I look at a picture of my mom and dad now, the tears flow way harder than before and I just get as sense of feels…all the feels. Death is emotional, confusing, frustrating and exhausting. Not only for the dying but for the living. She hasn’t passed yet…but yet she has. If that even makes sense.
In my Self-Care card pull this morning, Choice, Independence and Intent. I feel a bit indifferent and I believe I may have tried to hard or not enough?. Meh, I focused on my mom and maybe didn’t focus enough or too much? There is certainly a meaning to the cards but I just need to figure out what and how to incorporate it into my life.
Choice -Reconsider a commitment -You have the right to change your mind.
Independence – Decide for yourself – Exercise your right to choose.
Intent – Focus your energy – there is amazing power in a strong intention.
When reading them together like this, certainly do flow with each other and if there was anything I was reconsidering doing, the cards are saying go for it! The cards and maybe my mom now? I sure hope so because, the only thing that immediately popped in my head was name changing my business/studio name. I have been tossing that in my head for months now. *chills* More to come on that, I am sure…
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