Today was gnarly… I cried pretty much all day. My eyes are swollen, my heart is heavy and the headache is strong with this one. Only thing I can say positive is that I managed to break away, drive and live reality… that helped. Coming back home to a few more cries while making dinner but feeling better, as the night went on. Eating helped. Laughing with Dylan helped a lot. I got hit hard today, the demons came in and took over today… Drug me down to depths I hate being in, that were way to familiar and took all I had to get out. I am thankful for being able to sit here tonight and write this and feel..okay. Depression can cut you down so quick and it can hold you there…Pressing against every fiber you have. You truly have to fight to snap away from it. It is real. It hurts and it takes a lot of fucking energy to fight it. Please don’t judge some one with depression. Please don’t mock someone that suffers from depression. It is real. It isn’t in some ones head. It is as real as cancer. I was emotionally and physically abused for 20+ years with my ex. You don’t just snap out of that? I wasn’t just all better. Today is proof, I am not all better. I suffer from depression and PTSD. I can finally openly say that with out feeling like a loser. Maybe today was the reason I can say that? I drove to Walmart, sat in my car crank my music. Repeatedly told myself, I was good. I thought about buying a pack of cigarettes. I did not. I just sat there and sang my song. And by the end… I knew I would be okay to go to the store… TO be able to come back home and make dinner and to be able to crawl out of that hole. Tomorrow is a new canvas. There is some already written script on the canvas but nonetheless, it is new. It can be black and white, or full of color. It will be up to me… I slayed the demons today… so tomorrow can be as bright or as dark as i want it.
Blessed be
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