Today marks a month since my mom has passed. Hard to swallow that. I don’t know how I am doing honestly. Today, I just feel lethargic? I know I miss her so much and there are things I haven’t touched since she passed, that I know I have to confront and take care of. ALL of her belongings are here in my home and every time I start to go through something, I just fill up with so much emotion. Overwhelming feelings of grief. 1 month. The first month. That isn’t even right. I know she is not suffering anymore but the ache of her not being her is so terribly hard. She was a huge chunk of my life for so long. I was the person that had to make decisions for her and to sign her name when she could not. I was the person that had to help her make hard decisions in her life. I was the person that had to attend care conferences, to attend big doctor appointments. Her doula, her caretaker. Her and I had been through some very hard times together and you can’t just just wipe that away. I have to live with knowing that my decision for her were FOR HER BENEFIT. HER CARE, and I type that in caps because, my depression tells me different. And that is what I have been fighting, for a month. Taking care of a parent is a whole new life thing and then it is not and you have to try and learn to live life with out your parent. And when when you have depression and anxiety, it makes it sometimes, most difficult to stay strong and not give in to the negative. It is not really fair to be honest but, then in the grand scheme of things, life is what YOU make of it. Some things are not fair but then some things are super fair and wonderful. So, work through those, not so far times… breathe through the laid back times and laugh through the wonderful times. My secret philosophy for a “half assed normal life”. I should write a book? Spent the morning, running errands, holding hands with my hubby, finding keepsakes to start my memorial wall and being weekend warriors, {fixing shit around the house}. I backed out of a social event because, people. And even if those people are my friends and family, still didn’t want to put a happy face on today and pretend to be happy. I am doing exactly what I want and need today. finding my peace, grounding myself and learning how to live with out my mom.. Blessed be
Comments